This 'Spider' bites
“Spiderman 3” can be likened to that person on the beach in that tiny swimsuit getting all the attention.
But not the good kind.
We've all seen that person. The one whose weight far exceeds the suit's limitations, stretching it until every last thread is holding together for dear life, as laws of Ben & Jerry's-backed physics work against it.
Overstuffed, undeterred and certainly not lacking in confidence despite its obvious limitations, “Spiderman 3” lumbers into theaters with its sights set only on consumption.
MOST number of theaters on initial release
MOST money ever spent making a major picture.
BIGGEST opening day in box office history.
BIGGEST opening weekend in box office history.
And while its busy gorging itself on box office records, it’s the audience who is leaving “Spiderman 3” feeling utterly malnourished.
“3” suffers from the “more is less” cinematic law – the same one that befell its fellow crime-fighting cohort “Batman” in the 1990s, and the labyrinthine bog that was the “Matrix” sequels earlier this decade.
Spidey (played by Tobey Maguire, who must be, like, 35 and still slathering on the aw-shucks attitude to his hero) faces off against no fewer than three villains (four, if you count the scenes he wrestles with his id).
He's given two main love interests and strings a third along, just in case he needs a spare.
He's also involved in no fewer than four major battle scenes, each more complicated and grandiose than the last.
It's hard to know even where to begin to point out where this web unravels, since there are so many misguided efforts on screen.
Three years ago, director Sam Raimi swung into theaters with “Spiderman 2,” which many consider the pinnacle of superhero flicks (this reviewer still professes his adoration for the darker, character-driven “Batman Begins”).
It was as though he felt pressure to deliver the goods here, but instead of effortlessly weaving his trilogy together, he dogpiles his picture with more characters and plotlines and than he and his actors can handle.
The flick is set in the Big Apple, but it may has well been in East Bumblebrook, West Virginia, as it seems that everyone in the cast is somehow related or connected in one way or another. To wit, Spidey's mild-mannered ego, Peter Parker is in love and going to propose to Mary Jane (played by the flat Kirsten Dunst), and has a strained relationship with Harry Osborn (played by James Franco, who is one step above mannequin status because he can arch his eyebrow), who happens to be the son of Spidey's nemesis, The Green Goblin. Mary Jane feels no such strain and frequently flirts with the junior Goblin. Peter's job, when he not snuggling into the webbed spandex, is as a photographer at “The Daily Bugle,” where Eddie Brock (played by Topher Grace), a new photographer, is jockeying for his spot. Brock just happens to be dating a model/molecular science major (yeah, you read that correctly) named Gwen Stacey, who is also Peter's college lab partner and was also rescued by Spiderman. Gwen's father, meanwhile, just happens to be the chief of police who has to inform Peter that Flint Marko (played by Thomas Hayden Church) is the man who really killed his uncle and is on the lam.
Who needs Kevin Bacon, when there is barely one degree of separation between all of these characters?
Director Raimi also tosses in an ambiguous, oozing black tar that escaped from a meteor that just happened to land near Peter and Mary Jane when they were canoodling in Central Park.
Realizing that this film exists in its own comic book microcosm, it would be safe to give this all a pass. But it's Raimi who insists on threading all this together, giving the audience coincidence upon coincidence until the film suffocated under the weight of its own entanglements.
And oh, what a tangled web it is.
There are moments of levity and breakneck action, as this is considered an official “summer movie” by the studios, who keep pushing back their bread-and-butter season earlier each year.
But even the inspired bits seemed forced and out of place, especially when it comes to Peter, being possessed by the aforementioned black snot, goes into full emo-rocker mode, wearing his bangs down, donning all black attire, making sure there is enough room on his sleeves to wear his angst.
I believe that this will be the make-it-or-break-it moment for fans, and even though it is raking in the cash at the moment, I think that Peter’s mini-transformation will be the equivalent to the head-scratching inclusion of “The Architect” in the final “Matrix” installment.
If “Spiderman 3” is any indication, this summer will be a rather congested one, but will leave behind such a rancid mess that even nagging gulls will avoid its leftovers when sweeping the beach.
And while its busy gorging itself on box office records, it’s the audience who is leaving “Spiderman 3” feeling utterly malnourished.
“3” suffers from the “more is less” cinematic law – the same one that befell its fellow crime-fighting cohort “Batman” in the 1990s, and the labyrinthine bog that was the “Matrix” sequels earlier this decade.
Spidey (played by Tobey Maguire, who must be, like, 35 and still slathering on the aw-shucks attitude to his hero) faces off against no fewer than three villains (four, if you count the scenes he wrestles with his id).
He's given two main love interests and strings a third along, just in case he needs a spare.
He's also involved in no fewer than four major battle scenes, each more complicated and grandiose than the last.
It's hard to know even where to begin to point out where this web unravels, since there are so many misguided efforts on screen.
Three years ago, director Sam Raimi swung into theaters with “Spiderman 2,” which many consider the pinnacle of superhero flicks (this reviewer still professes his adoration for the darker, character-driven “Batman Begins”).
It was as though he felt pressure to deliver the goods here, but instead of effortlessly weaving his trilogy together, he dogpiles his picture with more characters and plotlines and than he and his actors can handle.
The flick is set in the Big Apple, but it may has well been in East Bumblebrook, West Virginia, as it seems that everyone in the cast is somehow related or connected in one way or another. To wit, Spidey's mild-mannered ego, Peter Parker is in love and going to propose to Mary Jane (played by the flat Kirsten Dunst), and has a strained relationship with Harry Osborn (played by James Franco, who is one step above mannequin status because he can arch his eyebrow), who happens to be the son of Spidey's nemesis, The Green Goblin. Mary Jane feels no such strain and frequently flirts with the junior Goblin. Peter's job, when he not snuggling into the webbed spandex, is as a photographer at “The Daily Bugle,” where Eddie Brock (played by Topher Grace), a new photographer, is jockeying for his spot. Brock just happens to be dating a model/molecular science major (yeah, you read that correctly) named Gwen Stacey, who is also Peter's college lab partner and was also rescued by Spiderman. Gwen's father, meanwhile, just happens to be the chief of police who has to inform Peter that Flint Marko (played by Thomas Hayden Church) is the man who really killed his uncle and is on the lam.
Who needs Kevin Bacon, when there is barely one degree of separation between all of these characters?
Director Raimi also tosses in an ambiguous, oozing black tar that escaped from a meteor that just happened to land near Peter and Mary Jane when they were canoodling in Central Park.
Realizing that this film exists in its own comic book microcosm, it would be safe to give this all a pass. But it's Raimi who insists on threading all this together, giving the audience coincidence upon coincidence until the film suffocated under the weight of its own entanglements.
And oh, what a tangled web it is.
There are moments of levity and breakneck action, as this is considered an official “summer movie” by the studios, who keep pushing back their bread-and-butter season earlier each year.
But even the inspired bits seemed forced and out of place, especially when it comes to Peter, being possessed by the aforementioned black snot, goes into full emo-rocker mode, wearing his bangs down, donning all black attire, making sure there is enough room on his sleeves to wear his angst.
I believe that this will be the make-it-or-break-it moment for fans, and even though it is raking in the cash at the moment, I think that Peter’s mini-transformation will be the equivalent to the head-scratching inclusion of “The Architect” in the final “Matrix” installment.
If “Spiderman 3” is any indication, this summer will be a rather congested one, but will leave behind such a rancid mess that even nagging gulls will avoid its leftovers when sweeping the beach.
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