'Four' on the floor

Mouth agape, I begin this column. For the world's most spiritless superheroes have once again conquered the box office, with their utterly insipid sequel, “Fantastic Four: The Rise of the Silver Surfer.”
Instead of going through the phone-book-sized list of all that is wrong with this film, I decided to dedicate this column to pitch some ideas to you, the reader. As it has proven that a film with almost any superhero is capable of making a mint, so long as it is torn from the pages of an actual comic book.
I decided to comb through the archives of D.C., Marvel and lesser-known publishers' vaults for some of the long-forgotten heroes of yore. I am now convinced with some updated plots, proper nerd-demographic marketing and sub-standard CGI, that any one of these characters could make a mint at the box office (remember, these are actual character creations from comics).
Let me know what you think, and let's greenlight these suckers! (click on the link to view pictures and learn more about these superheroes)

1. Shaloman: A superhero, created by Al Weisner in the '80s, to give Jewish children a positive role model, Shaloman is actually made of granite and springs to life with a thundering “Oy Vey!” when he senses evil (I swear I'm not making this up).
   The new plot: A gang of rouge rabbis begin swiping sacred artifacts from temples across the country to sell on the black market and fund their ambitions of creating a nuclear weapon.
   The tagline: This summer, you have to be meshugener to miss “Shaloman!”
   
2. Hummingbird: Standing a majestic six inches in height, ornithologist Alan Laurel was Hummingbird, a superhero whose sole power was to telepathically speak to certain species of birds. He once fought off criminals with a pencil.
   The new plot: A megalomaniacal scientist starts injecting birds at an aviary to create an army of winged mercenaries. But what he did not count on, was the superhero the size of a peanut to be whirring about and put an end to his evil plan.
   The tagline: This summer, see what all the buzz is about!
3. Vita-Man: A research scientist named Will Wheeler created pills that would bring out the best in human abilities (one for strength, one for constitution, one for, ahem, speed). It's a wonder why this pill-popper did not survive into the 21st century!?
   The new plot: Victor Viagra decides to gobble all of Dr. Wheeler's panacea pills and goes on a rampage that lasts for days without sleep, including several frequent stops to the local brothels. It's up to Vita-Man to give Victor's attention a little deficit disorder.
   The tagline: Quit fiddlin' with Ritalin; stop crammin' the Ambien – There's only one pill for society's ills – Vita-Man!
4. Nature Boy: It could be his fashionable extra-large belt, or those skin-tight skivvies of his, but Nature Boy looks way too happy to be concerned about nabbing bad guys. He was rescued at sea by Neptune and various other gods and goddesses of the ocean and land and granted the powers of the earth (like overpopulation, global warming and acid rain?).
   The new plot: When a group of cub scouts get stranded after a rafting-and-camping trip gone awry, Nature Boy swoops in to save the little lads and still has time to join them for a wiener roast.
   The tagline: This summer, Nature calls.
5. Toy Boy: Little Jason Kriter was the son of the most wealthy man on the planet, so whatever little Jason wants, little Jason gets. So the little silver spoon-fed capitalist brat decides to amass a cadre of futuristic weapons to fight evil.
   The new plot: A group of escaped cons begin knocking over banks during the holiday season, dressed in a Santa suits they stole from a department store. Jason, not wanting the good name of the Father Christmas besmirched, hunts down each and every last one in brutal, ritualistic style. Because this film is a holiday release (ensuring a marketing blitz of Toy Boy merchandise) , he also wins the hearts of all the little boys and girls in his neighborhood, as he designs them toys which can also be used as weapons, thereby assembling a legion of crime-fighting ankle-biters.
   The tagline: This Christmas, there's only one “Toy” you need.
6. Minute-Man: Created in 1941, Jack Weston was an ordinary schmo who wanted to do more for the war, so he became a one-man army dressed as the American Flag and taking on the enemy single-handedly.
   The new plot: In an update for the modern age, “The Minute Man” is laced with double entendres to add that comedic “edge.” And the character's alter-ego's name is changed...to George W. Bush.
   The tagline: There's only one surge necessary for “Minute Man.”
   
7. The Fab Four: Yes, a direct knockoff to the Fantastic Four (and a chance to capitalize on the height of the Beatles popularity in the '60s), four “ordinary, science-loving teens” (there's an oxymoron) are zapped into their alter-egos: El, Polymer Polly, Hy and, yes Crispy, who, despite his heat-inspired name possessed the ability to freeze things.
   The new plot: During a science expo with a rival high school, the Fab Four notice that one student listed Beryllium's atomic number as 9.01219 instead of 9.01218. Chaos ensues.
   The tagline: The Fab Four: Putting the “Noble” in “Noble Gasses.”
   
8. Silkie: If you thought Aquaman was the nadir of suckage as far as superpowers, take a gander at Silkie (even her name sounds like some sort of fabric softener). Tracy Winters, a former marine biologist, is amphibious and “aquakinetic” (she talks to fish). So, apparently, if any criminal decides to hideout in Atlantis, they're in for an ass-whuppin'.
   The new plot: A renegade group of whale poachers are operating a worldwide blubber ring until the cross the watery path of the soggy Silkie.
   The tagline: This summer, adventure is all wet.
   
9. Skateman: A former Vietnam vet, Billy Moon is now the pride of the Roller Derby. (Yeah, I remember my childhood being spent muscled out of the “all skate” circles by those damned camo-wearing soldiers.) Aside from his groovin' moves on wheels, he also cradles a utility belt with a stash of weapons But Skateman does not go it alone. He's accompanied by his faithful skateboarding sidekick, Paco.
   The new plot: The local roller rink is closed down to pave way for a nuclear testing lab. Leave it to Skateman and Paco to unleash a torrent of four-wheeled justice on the evil scientists in the lab.
   The tagline: Skateman: He's hell on wheels!
   
10. The Green Lama: A millionaire college student heads of to Tibet for postgrad work, and, after years of meditation and becoming a priest, returns with superhuman powers to fight evil. Oh, those ultra-violent Buddhists!
    The new plot: A young sociopath begins entering the minds of others during silent meditation, transforming their thought to do his evil bidding. That is, until the Lama enters the picture, espouses his karmic cantations and scares them all right into their next lives.
    The tagline: Everyone needs a hero every now and Zen.