use soap: Come visit my new environmentally friendly abode...

9.24.2007

Come visit my new environmentally friendly abode...

How, Mr. Movie Critic Guy, can your new site be considered environmentally friendly, you ask? Well, because over at usesoapfilm.wordpress.com I use maily recycled junk that I write for this site, smart ass! That's right, I've got more time to waste, so I decided to instead of wasting time on such trivial things as "raising children" and "doing housework," I'd start duplicating everything I do here, but with even more pictures, links and other fun stuff. Also, you may want to check out another site in here titled deltechfilm.blogspot.com devoted to all things film related for students at Delaware Tech (info on screenings, student film group activities and the like). What does this mean for you? Well, there are now even more opportunites to send in your bile-filled rants, citing my ineptitude as a film critic and taking personal pot-shots (I'd rather refer to my nose as 'chisled,' not 'beak-like,' thank you very much). So head over to usesoapfilm.wordpress.com . It's like the using the really nice public restrooms, as opposed to the busy ones at the airline terminals where you are continually getting your foot bumped by those guys with 'wide stances.'

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Nothin' but Netflix Sept. 18

American Cannibal: The love for this film will go hand in hand with your ability to buy into its 'mockumentary' premise. If you take it on that level alone, than this tale of two reality T.V. producers shopping various ideas througout L.A. is quite entertaining, with some witty insite into the machinations of the biz. But if you cannot accept that all for fun and take it on a more literal level, it's easy to blow holes throughout the film. One complaints, though: the film's title is kind of the movie's 'big reveal,' which stalls the first half of the film a tad.

The House of Usher: Anotehr take on the Poe tale, this modernization is actually even slower than the 50s-era Vincent Price 3-D trashterpiece. But it is not without some interest. A young girl (Izabella Miko) heads back to the home of her best freinds -- brother and sister twins -- when one dies, and she is subsequently pulled into the house's twisted history. You may wear out the chapter selection button, but there are a few genuine performances that make this a worthy watch on cable.

Nothin' but Netflix : Sept. 11

Shadow Puppets: Another variation of the far-superior 'Cube," this direct-to-video thriller has its share of inventive little chills. A gaggle of scantily clad amnesiac hostages awaken in a sterile environment (is it a hospital? a prison? a prison hospital?) and proceed to get knocked off one by one by a mysterious force. Some laughably bad over- and under-acting and Pong-era digital effects slow things down, but any film that features the menacing Candyman himself, Tony Todd, will get me to watch until the end.

Thriller: They Call Her One Eye: Raped as a child by a greasy derelict, drugged and disfigured later in life by an abusive pimp, Madeline has not had the easiest time in her young life. That is what makes her revenge all the sweeter. Considered a trash classic, Thriller is certainly one for the viewer with stronger constitutions, but it is a curio and it's interesting to see where Tarantino based his eye-patch-sporting Elle Driver (Daryll Hannah) in the Kill Bill films. Though this was the truncated American International version (which is 12 minutes shorter), there is plenty to horrify and titillate.

Red Road: This Scottish thriller is methodically paced, but intensly personal, culminating into an emotional climax that is heartbreaking in its intensity. Jackie (Kate Dickie) is a woman who works an isolating job as a security camera operator who keeps tabs on a fellow who has a large part in her past. Awarded at last year's Cannes, Road takes its time, but detours into some very dark locales.

The Ex: What the hell happened? That is the only question left after sitting through this cobbled-together "comedy" starring Zach Braff, Amanda Peet and Jason Bateman. They somehow snookered Charles Grodin, Mia Farrow and Amy Poehler aboard this sinking ship. The film reeks of studio involvement (dead-end storylines, abrupt cutaways, odd transitions), but one has to wonder just what was on the minds of all involved as the final edit was played for them.

nothin' but netflix: Sept. 4

Body Rock: Lorenzo Lamas stars as Chilly D, yo, who's just a small-time playa tryin' to make it in th' hood, but the Man's always keepin' him down. And by the Man, I mean the director, the writer, his agent and himself. A ridiculous piece of 80s piffle has only grown more wonderfully awful as time breakdances on. It's 'Saturday Night Fever' with just a tad more neon and bandanas, but the scent of Velveeta still lingers heavy in the air. Makes a great double feature with...

Kickin' it Old Skool: Jamie Kennedy wants so badly to be a brotha, what with this film and 'Malibu's Most Wanted.' Much maligned upon release, this one, though, is not without its quirky charms. In fact, it's funnier than it has a right to be, thanks largly to a game supporting cast (Aris Alvarado and Michael ('Smallville's Lex) Rosenbaum are both fitfully amusing). It's silly for silly's sake, but despite some painfully unfunny bits, it can be rather fun.

Year of the Dog: Molly Shannon tones done her manic mannerisms for a quirky little comedy about loneliness and death. Starts strong, with a great cast (John C. Reilly, Peter Sarasgaard), but the tail end of this pooch is not sure what kind of breed it wants to be. It ends up chasing itself until it's the audience that feels a little dizzy.

Lonely Hearts: I was in Jacksonville when they were filming part of this outside my hotel (apparently leads John Travolta and James Gandolfini were staying in my hotel ... perhaps that is why there was slim pickings at the buffet table!). It follows the real-life killing spree of Martha Beck (Selma Hayak) and Raymond Fernandex (Jared Leto) as they made their way into the hearts and homes of WWII widows and their fortunes. All over the map, both stylistically and in terms of acting (Travolta looks as though he's smelled a fart in every scene he's in), but strangely watchable for its nonchalant approach to murder.

MST3K fans...unzip those trousers!

That's right. Mike Nelson and company are back with a great little invention called 'Rifftrax.' It's been around for almost a year, but what can I say, I'm a a tad slow to post. Here's how it all works: You pay for an mp3 of the film you wish to see (there are about 30 or so films, most of them rightfully geeky) to the cost of about $3. Download the file to your computer, upload it to your mp3 player and play it in synch with the film. They are in fine form, as always, with a miss or two here and there. But who's complaining? I cannot vouch for all, but 'Predator', 'The Matrix,' and 'Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones,' (the latter featuring Chad Vader!) are all genius. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace is amusing enough, but relies one too many times of potty humor, and the Night of the Living Dead is hysterical, but there are so many versions of the DVD out there, you may have a difficult time synching it up to the film.
It's like having Mike and the boys sitting next to you on the couch. And, if I know you MST3K fans out there, there is a lot of room on the furniture in your vacant, meaningless homes.

Favorite Simpsons quotes

Homer: “Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.”
Homer: “Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.”
Lionel Hutz: “This is the greatest case of false advertising I've seen since I sued the movie 'The Neverending Story.'”
Nelson: “Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.”
Moe the bartender: “It's like my dad always said: Eventually everyone gets shot.”
Krusty the Clown: “Homer gave me a kidney. It wasn't his, I didn't need it, and it came postage due – but I appreciated the gesture!”
Homer: [Meeting Aliens] “Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!”
Homer: “Oh, I 'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute, I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!”
Homer: “Here's to alcohol, the cause of—and solution to—all life's problems.”
Lisa: “Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.”
Principal Skinner: “That's two independent thought alarms in one day. Willie, the children are over-stimulated. Remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.”
Police Chief Wiggum: “Can't you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can't be policing the entire city!”
Mr. Burns: “I'll keep it short and sweet -- Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.”
Homer: “It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.”
Homer: “I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life: Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.”

Pirate treasures

Sure Jack Sparrow is all the rage now, but there was another time when pirates roamed the cinematic search of ill-goitten gain and, of course, song. Set sail and be prepared to swab the poop deck featuring more swish than swashbuckling, and a few other chestnuts from our Pirate pals. The Pirate Movie The Pirates of Great Salt Lake A Pirate Musical Interlude Modern Major General from the film 'Pirates of Penzance' The Best part that was never in 'Cutthroat Island' Pirates of the Caribbean with Playmobil Johnny Depp sings on '21 Jump Street'

the best of the worst

Yes, 'Spiderman 3' sucked major web, but it is far from the worst comic book adaptation out there. There are far more tights-clad crimefighters that should have hung up the codpiece long ago. Here are just a few: * Superman 3: Hey! Let's get Richard Pryor and neuter him! When Christopher Reeve gets more laughs than the comedian, you know you're in trouble. Here's yet another clip. * Steel: Shaq had more thrilling battles with teammate Kobe Bryant than the bad guys here. *Superman 4: The Quest for Peace: The death knell for the original franchise had Reeve taking on the Nuclear Arms Race. * Thomas Hayden Church plays The Sandman in the most recent Spiderman, but that was not his first forray into the world of superheroes. He also starred in the little-seen (for good reason) The Specials. * A special place in hell awaits all involved with the television movie Captain America, if it were not for the undeniably awful... * Fantastic Four film released in 1994. I could not contain my giddy excitement for this cinematic excrement, so here are a few more clips... Fantastic Four, clip 2 Fastastic Four, clip 3

slasher trailers of the 80s

man it was great growing up in the 80s! OK, so really, it sucked. All those cheaply made exploitative horror films that you got to see late night on HBO (when they had that channel box on a string, and the little knob to adjust the picture) were so horrendously awful, but they always held the promise of blood and boobies. It was always a monumental accomplishment of cool to witness these, as the internet's promise of porn was still years in the future. Here are some trailers of those carefree days where even the geekiest kid with a cable scrambler was still the most popular on the block. WARNING:Some are not safe for work or children!! Sleepaway Camp Children of the Corn Prom Night He Knows You're Alone The Initiation Girls Nite Out Slumber Party Massacre The Prowler Maniac Bad Dreams Terror Train Just Before Dawn New Year's Evil Ghoulies My Bloody Valentine